“TOPICS”
Meddling vs. Caring: By Caroline
Who?
There is so much love and heart energy within you and around you. YOU have many people, animals, beings in your life that love you dearly, and there are many you love so much too! Mmmm warm fuzzies – love feels so good! :) Love is the most wonderful energy in the Universe. Unfortunately, even Universal Love can go bad if it is put through a negative filter known as “Meddling”. Meddling is defined as interfering, butting in, intruding. When you meddle in someone’s life, you are impeding their life process under the pretense of caring or helping. Whoa! You ask: “WHO would want to put up roadblocks on MY life path?! What kind of random jerk would do this?” Meddling actually goes on most between people who are the closest: spouses, mother and daughter, grandpa and grandson, brothers, best friends. Because meddling most frequently occurs between loved ones, it can be hard to spot initially – this is because these loved ones can confuse Caring with Meddling.
What?
What’s wrong with Meddling? Meddling results in: loss of trust, hurt feelings, anger, misunderstandings, feeling insecure, and even feelings of being unloved. What would cause Love to turn into something as destructive as Meddling? Let’s see:
| START | CARING THROUGH THE NEGATIVE FILTER OF MEDDLING | END | ||||
| 1.Your Original Emotions: | 2.Person: | 3.Sister’s life situation: | 4.Your response: | 5.Sister’s Response: | 6.Your End Emotions: | 7.Sister’s End Emotions: |
| Love,Caring | Sister | Unemployed | Give advice that Sister should go back to college | “Who are you telling me what to do, you aren’t my mom!” | Hurt; you feel blown off, you tried to help your sister & this is how she repays you?? | Belittled; my sister has no right to butt in & tell me what is best for ME and MY life! |
As you can see, meddling results in consequences that are unforeseen, making it more destructive than fathomed. It was never your intention to belittle your sister, and it was not her intention to hurt you. Meddling can really twist around that Love Energy!
When?
You are Meddling When you care about someone deeply, but you are in YOUR head rather than in THEIR shoes. We have all seen people close to us make decisions we would not make…and I am sure there are people who would not make the decisions you make! This is what makes us unique individuals: our free-will to create our own life choices. These choices could be whether to purchase a coke vs. a diet coke, or the decision to date someone who is verbally abusive. You may think: “But soda choices and larger life decisions are completely different!” You might try to rationalize: “I love my mom so much that I would HAVE TO get involved if she was dating a deatbeat! I care about her, I am her son! Of course I am going to intervene!” When you have a strong emotional reaction to someone else’s life choice, this is WHEN you need to step back, shut your mouth (at the moment) and think about another way to show you care.
Where?
Where is the line drawn between Meddling and Caring?
Meddling looks like THIS:
►Judging
►Making statements or asking questions that are NOT solution oriented
►Offering unsolicited Advice
Caring looks like THIS:
►NO Judgment
►Solution oriented statements and questions
►Offering Advice ONLY when it is asked
There is a HUGE difference between Meddling and Caring! As you can see it is more of a chasm than a line that seperates the two. Where do you fall?
Why?
Why do people meddle? People meddle for many reasons. 1. Because that is the way they have been shown love. Growing up, they were brought up in a household where family members confused meddling with caring. If this is you, STOP IT! You don’t live at home anymore, no excuses. 2. People meddle because they LOVE drama. Nothing juicier than adding your PERSONAL 2 cents on someone else’s life situation/life choices? If this is you, STOP IT! Don’t use people’s lives as hot air to puff up your “drama ego”! 3. People sometimes meddle because they do NOT know how to see you as an individual – this is very common in dynamics that originated at a young age. Even though you are 30, your original role was as a helpless infant while your mom’s role was that of caretaker. STOP IT! That dynamic served a purpose at 6 months of age, but serves no purpose between adults regardless of their relationship. 4. Get out of my head! Some people meddle because they are trying, unsuccessfully, to get into your head. No one knows you better than you. If this is you, STOP IT! Anyone who thinks they know YOU better than YOU is meddling!
HOW?
“How do I stop meddling and start caring?” Look back to the “Caring Through the Negative Filter of Meddling” Chart – which step do you think was integral in the devolution of Love to Meddling? Step 4: YOUR RESPONSE! How empowering! YOU can change the entire end result, simply by changing WHAT you say! The end result can be Good Feelings had by all. Let’s see how this would play out if we just change Step 4 from Meddling to Caring:
| START | CARING THROUGH THE NEGATIVE FILTER OF MEDDLING | END | ||||
| 1. Your Original Emotions: | 2.Person: | 3.Sister’s life situation: | 4.Your response: | 5.Sister’s Response: | 6.Your End Emotions: | 7.Sister’s End Emotions: |
| Love,Caring | Sister | Unemployed | “I’m here for you; if there is anything I can do let me know.” | “Nah, I’m ok. But thanks.” | Love; your sister is on her life path & she knows she can come to you if she needs to. | Love; It’s good to know I can come to my sister if I so choose to. |
“How do I stop others from meddling?” There is no way to “stop” a meddler, however, you have full control over preventing meddling from affecting your life. First: Know that a meddler is coming from a place of love. However, their words are coming from THEIR brains, THEIR life path, THEIR life choices, THEIR judgments and THEIR OWN insecurities. Meddler’s words will not negatively affect you if you remember THEIR words are always a reflection of themselves and NEVER a reflection of YOU. Lastly, do NOT feed into a meddler: If a coworker is meddling in a life choice of yours, do NOT in turn meddle in their life! Once you do, you have co-created a meddling dynamic that will leave BOTH of you feeling shitty…I guarantee it! Instead, co-create a dynamic of LOVE (without the meddling) and you will both feel AMAZING!
Meddling vs. Caring: By Brecka
Who?
Who meddles, Who cares? What is the difference? and Who is doing it the right way? “Meddling” is making it your business to find out about other people’s business without shame or permission. It includes: interfering, intruding, tampering, assuming, judging, and just being nosy. “Caring” is making it your business to directly express thoughts and feelings of compassion towards other people without even knowing about their business. It includes: consideration, sympathy, tenderheartedness, sensitivity, and respect for what the other is feeling. (**NOTE: you may “meddle” in and “care” for Your Own Life as well!!) Most often, people meddle with/in the lives of their closest loved ones; maybe family, maybe friends. People gossip and judge their “associates” (not closest friends) and/or strangers, but never meddle. People only meddle in their loved ones’ lives because they think they are helping and being loving; sorry folks, meddling never equals helping and meddling never equals loving. You must find a new way…
What?
“What does “meddling” look like?” This question is answered using a ‘Mom’ and ‘son’ relationship as an example = you are the ‘Mom’: If you do any of these things, then you might be a meddler… 1) If you try to solve his problems by speaking about them with everyone BUT him. 2) If you speak to any of his people (ex: employer, significant other, friends…) about your problems with him BEFORE/WHILE/AFTER speaking with him. 3) If you continue to work/push towards something for him that he says he doesn’t want for himself. 4) If you make choices for him, instead of providing options. 5) If you involve yourself in issues between him and his people. 6) If you ever go through his personal items without permission. 7) If you keep “pressing on” about something that he says he’s not ready to talk about. 8 ) If you “help” him even after he says he doesn’t want help. 9) If you are unclear about decisions he makes, and instead of asking for clarification, you make your own decisions for him or act like he has not decided yet. 10) If you are both adults and you still behave like he is a child. These are just some examples of meddling that occurs between people; if you agree with any of these examples then you meddle…please stop it.
Where?
“Where is it okay to meddle?” Nowhere, ever. You think, “I want to meddle because I care; and because I care, I meddle.” This thought is flawed! It needs to be: “I want to show I care, therefore I won’t meddle; and because I do care, I don’t meddle.” People use “meddling” and “caring” as if they have the same meaning; the fact is, they are OPPOSITE. If you are doing one, then you can’t do the other!! So please don’t fool yourself into thinking that your meddling is part of your caring for another, that’s impossible!
When?
“When does the meddling stop and caring start, and vice versa?” That is actually the biggest problem, and also why it’s not advised to meddle in the first place – once you meddle, it is very hard to stop and/or go back. Plus, a shift of power has taken place, which again makes it more difficult. When you meddle, even though you may think you have all the power, you actually have just given your power away: meddling = losing power, the more you continue to meddle = the farther you are from the truth and from your true self. Further explanation: when you meddle, all of your energy, power, and focus leaves you and goes to another person (just like the above example: all your attention goes to your son and his issues, decisions, plans, etc.). Well then, what about you? Now your energy, power, and focus for You is gone and used up. How can you successfully operate like that? Meddling takes away, while caring gives to all.
Why?
“I’m only trying to show I care, Why does he think I’m meddling?” Basically, if anyone accuses you of meddling, then you are meddling. “Why is this true?” Well again, it is impossible to care and meddle at the same time; it’s either one or the other. And being cared for or knowing someone is caring for you is never something people get confused about.
Another thing to look at is Why you think you should/have the right to meddle. Of course we all want to believe that we know best about everything we know. However, different people know different things, and different people learn differently as well. Meddling into the affairs of others takes away from what people need to do to learn about and understand themselves and what they want. Taking that away from them leaves them more hopeless, insecure, misguided, confused, inefficient, and immature. When you meddle, you are showing the other person that you do not believe they are capable of making good decisions or of being a responsible, respectable person.
HOW?
“How do I know if I’m meddling?” You will get answers that are conversation stoppers; you will get an “attitude” from the other person; you will get lied to, or brushed off, or ignored; you will find yourself repeating conversations and situations again and again; you will not feel good and satisfied about the communication.
“How do I know if I’m caring instead of meddling?” The biggest and best ways to show you care are: #1 Just say, “I care about you and want the best for you.” #2 You MUST completely detach and severe the ties between your expectations of what YOU want to have happen for them and what they choose for themselves to have happen. Especially you Mothers, Fathers, and Care Takers out there…You need to practice letting others do for themselves and practice You doing things for only You. #3 It’s perfectly acceptable to show your interest in regards to your loved ones’ situations, and to ask for clarification on subjects they are dealing with. But keep your “interest” on an emotional level of fascination, curiosity, wonderment, excitement, eagerness, appreciation, acceptance, and of knowingness that all will be okay for them. The moment your emotional state turns to fear, assumption, ridicule, blame, ignorance, guilt, rage…is the moment that your next steps and words cross over into meddling and leave caring and encouraging by the wayside. #4 Stop, and ask yourself, “would I like someone else saying __________ to me? Would that make me feel good in my current situation?” When YOU can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s showing you care by telling someone all about the goodness and glimmer of the light, but you cannot push them through the tunnel (way too many bumps and bruises).
Find Other Information About This Topic In:
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Many thanks for your blog! I’ve just subscribed to it.
Dave
Really good piece of writing. Thanks a lot. You should keep posting.